Days of Doubt

Let me start first with a little knitting…

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The blanket is passing the halfway point…I’m not sure how many more stripes I’ll put on.

And I started an Antler Toque for a friend’s dad who was recently diagnosed with Lymph node cancer and has started chemo. He’s nervous to lose his hair and I though a hat made out of some soft Inca Gold would be a cozy gift.

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The cables are fun…just crossing 2 stitches by 2 stitches and great practice for cabling without a cable needle…I used this tutorial on Ysolda’s blog. Easier with pointy needles for sure 🙂

When I knit, my brain seems to slip into a meditative state…rolling thoughts over, good or bad and here is where I’ve landed lately.

Funny how these days of doubt come in waves. I’ve wrestled a bit with actually writing about something beyond just knitting. And this is the internet. Do I really want to go there?

Maybe I’ll just dip my toe a bit. Doubt. Something I think everyone wrestles with. I think it’s part of being human. Lives ebb and flow as does happiness, productivity, and doubt. I like to think of these things all as different colored liquids in a big jar…being sloshed around and as one rises the others may fall a bit. For instance when happiness and productivity wane, doubt has a tendency to bubble up to the top.

When it bubbles too high and the thoughts reach the conscious part of my brain and leak from my lips, it’s devastating. No one wants to hear that little mean voice I hear about how I can’t do one thing or I’m not good enough to do another. Part of the process of pushing the doubt back to the bottom is acknowledging it. Then I have to form a plan of action to really sink it back down. Remind myself that I can do something when I put the work in…tackling the task.

At least that’s what I tell myself. I think in the last couple of years, even when I make a plan and start to work the plan, I lose the oomph to finish and the doubt returns more quickly and with even more of a punch…”see, you can’t do this.”

So here is where I rest. On the cusp of formulating a plan to tackle a thought of “I’m not good enough” and “I can’t do this” and “I’m not supposed to be this.” The plan is going to involve some accountability and effort…and not just half way. That’s scary. Putting all of it into it and what if…what if it doesn’t work out? Then here we are again with a little more of a sting…

I think this is part of being human. Thoughts? I’d love to hear what you think, how you deal…


Jenna

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5 thoughts on “Days of Doubt

  1. Doubt — isn’t everyone plagued by it? Or almost everyone. Some people do seem impervious. I am very susceptible to it. I’ve started a big Black Lives Matter project with some of our students, and I bounce between loving it and thinking I am a total idiot. I suspect that most worthy projects involve conquering doubt.

    1. Thanks! It sounds like your project will be very worthwhile…I find most of the projects I do with kids seem to be and some of my favorites involved that feeling of “this is great” and “what was I thinking!!” I do hope you’ll share more about your project when it’s complete!

  2. Oh Jenna, so sorry to hear of your struggles. I think it assails us all, but some seen to be able to cover it up. Today I am struggle with that old ugly feeling of selfishness. I tell myself I seem to do all for others, but others do nothing for me. I usually am a very giving person and never think twice about doing for others. But some days I just forget that it’s in my nature to give, and I shouldn’t worry about reciprocal actions. But there it is, I am only human, and you are too. Try to find small victories that can help you build up some self esteem. All the best.

    1. Thanks Chris 🙂 The little victories do add up! The selfishness is a tough one and I do find myself thinking like you too…I do for others because I want to but some where in the back of my mind is that reciprocal feeling…thanks for sharing!

  3. I (like I’m sure most folks) know exactly what you’re talking about! These days I meditate and try to work out more when I feel the doubt creeping in. I also find trusted people to talk with when I’m feeling particularly down, confused or worthless. Sometimes just having the conversation and getting the thoughts *out* of your mouth can help them stay there – out.

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